There comes a time in everyone’s life when pivotal, life-changing choices need to be made. Recently I faced just such a choice. I had to decide between buying a Nintendo Switch and the Kärcher FC 5 Premium all in one vacuum and mop. In case you are facing a similar domestic crisis, I have condescended to help you with a handy comparison of the two devices.
Convergence and Utility
In an age of ever converging utility the Nintendo Switch and the Kärcher FC 5 Premium make similar plays for consolidation. The Switch’s split personality promises that it can nest both under the TV and in a rucksack. A couch-based TV console and a handheld, equally apt in both use cases as a dedicated gaming machine.
The Kärcher FC 5 Premium, meanwhile, is both a vacuum cleaner and an electric mop. This is where the Kärcher FC 5 Premium has the clear edge. It can’t run Zelda: The Breath of the Wild at home and on the bus (the Kärcher FC 5 Premium has serious portability issues, which I will address later), but it can vacuum and mop AT THE SAME MOTHERFUCKING TIME. Yes, you read correctly. Two spirit sapping chores completed in the time it takes to do one. Mark 1 point for the Kärcher.
At present if you are even able to find a Nintendo Switch to buy, it’s RRP is 330 Euros. Of course, without dropping an extra 55 Euros on Zelda, the Switch is about as much use as a fridge made of jam. Throw in an official case (20 Euros) and the real entry price for a Nintendo Switch is 405 Euros.
The Kärcher FC 5 Premium however, retails for about 200 Euros, opening the door to a tantalizing prospect. Dual wielding! For the same price as a single Nintendo Switch console, you could buy two Kärchers, one for each hand! The resulting cleaning might would be immeasurable. The suction power at your command would be enough to part seas, start earthquakes or strip a hippo’s face to the bone in seconds. The Switch has absolutely no domestic cleaning credentials, though it does make for a reasonably serviceable coaster. At any rate, the Kärcher is the clear winner in the value stakes.
The Nintendo Switch really is a marvel in this area. Being able to play a console quality game while taking a dump, sans compromise, is without a doubt one of the best reasons not to throw yourself under a steam roller in 2017.
The Kärcher on the other hand, has all the grace and maneuverability of a vintage printing press. Not only that but its manufacturer has neglected to include an onboard power supply. This makes the Kärcher FC 5 Premium only marginally more tolerable as a travel companion than Sean Spicer or an angry walrus.
According to my exhaustive investigations on Wikipedia the Nintendo Switch has something called an ‘Octa-core (4×ARM Cortex-A57 & 4×ARM Cortex-A53) @ 1.020 GHz CPU’. Octa is probably my second favourite prefix to anything. It is beaten only by ‘cyber’ which has famously been paired with words like ‘space’, ‘criminal’ and ‘café’ to incredible effect. The Switch weighs a mere 297 grams, which is about the same as seven standard sized Kit Kats or half the weight of an adult female chinchilla.
There’s no escaping the Kärcher’s fearsome heft. At 5 kilos the state of your floors will need to resemble those of a poorly maintained enema clinic before you can muster the stamina to use it. It’s a detail put in the shade by the Kärcher’s other key technical specification however. It’s rollers oscillate at an astonishing 500 RPM (revolutions per minute). This is only 2700% slower than the F-100-PW220 jet engine of the F16 Fighting Falcon aircraft. Despite its fancy prefix and svelt chassis, the Nintendo Switch has no internal moving parts giving it a shameful RPM of 0. Again, the Kärcher wins.
So by this point, it should be clear what my decisions was. The load on my soul was a heavy one while I weighed my options. When I finally decided that I couldn’t ignore the Kärcher’s obviously superior proposition, I felt the burden evaporate almost completely. Now the only measure of doubt left feels lighter than the twig-like frame of Link’s laughably puny body.
I hope these words have been of service to the billions of others who have doubtlessly faced this impossible conundrum. If you feel moved to reward my selfless efforts to clear your way to the right and proper decision, you can spread the word about Kärcher’s incredible machine and make the world a better, cleaner place.